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How long should you wait to sleep with someone? (50 posts)
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moonflower
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Click for profile 		By someone, I mean someone you legitimately want to date and potentially have a relationship with.

I don't like buying into the tired rhetoric of women's glossies about how women should try not to seem promiscuous and don't give away the milk for free and if you do it's your fault they don't call you (all the while expecting us to try out their 99 sex tips to get him tingling every time), but it's kind of hard not to to a point, as the double standard is still ridiculously prevalent.

Does it matter? Does it change your opinion of the person you're dating if they're willing to 'do it' asap?

Or maybe it's more about letting the relationship have a chance to actually form before it all becomes about sex?

[This post edited by moonflower on 05 November 2011 ]

quote / posted 06 July 2011 12:50 PM
Tiresias
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Click for profile 		I really don't think it matters. If you both want to bone I don't see the problem in just boning. I'm happy to jump in the sack after a few hours with someone I'm attracted to if they indicate that they want to as well, and I'm also happy to wait however long. Why would it be different if you want to have a "legitimate dating relationship" with them? I'm genuinely asking here. If you want to do stuff other than have sex with them, then just do that stuff too.

What do you mean by the double standards you mentioned in the second paragraph?

I like threads like this.
quote / posted 06 July 2011 1:07 PM
supporter graphic  Un-Jelli
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quoting: moonflower

But I don't know. Does it matter? Does it change your opinion of the person you're dating if they're willing to 'do it' asap?

Or maybe it's more about letting the relationship have a chance to actually form before it all becomes about sex?
]


So based on what I have read about evolutionary and social psychology, and just pop psyc, I would say all that really matters is that you don't sleep with them immediately.

The reasoning being that most people want to feel as though they are special to someone with whom they are pursuing a long term relationship. And although they logically might recognise that you can sleep with other people and still not have feelings for them, blah blah blah, they want to think you don't sleep with a bunch of people. Atleast, not until they've gotten to know you. And I think people might feel as though if you sleep with them really soon, you sleep with people without knowing them. Hence, they feel less special.

Also, I think that SOME guys need to have a genuine emotional connection that they feel is leading towards something long term before they sleep with you, in order to still have it afterwards. For THOSE guys, sleeping with them before this is established tells them subconsciously that you're not in it for the long haul, so much as for a little bit of fun.



That all being said, I think that it's really something that you should do based on what YOU think in this particular situation. Do you really want to sleep with him now? Or, do you only want to sleep with him if you think this is going somewhere. If the latter, than wait a while.
Also, do you get the impression he's already into you emotionally? Because although I agree that there's a double standard as far as how quickly a woman can sleep with a man and still be "dateable" or "marriage material", it changes on a person by person basis.
quote / posted 06 July 2011 1:28 PM
Mr. Freeze
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Click for profile 		this question is actually alot more ... complex ... than it seems.

there are many different ways to look at what you "shoud" do. you can be influenced by religion, parents, friends, randoms you talk to on the internet on a youth culture site... the possibilities are numerous, but i feel what it all boils down to is:

how do you want to "portray" yourself?

what i mean by that is, are you basing your decision on what you really want, or on how you want others to see you? if you are going to be totally honest and want a person to know who you REALLY are, then have sex with them if thats what you want. if you want to SEEM like someone who will wait until you start thinking about choosing furniture and china patterns together before you mount the bologna pony, then do that... but you are not being honest to yourself or your partner. i believe that life should not be directed by what people in magazines (or people in general for that matter) think of you and what you should do. if you are enjoying life, then you are building it around what makes you happy and not acting as if you have someone ELSES morals directing what you do.

i will let you know that being honest TO YOURSELF, whether others feel that its "good" or "bad" will keep you happy in this life. guaranteed.

my two cents. ching-ching.
quote / posted 06 July 2011 3:06 PM
billybob_george
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Click for profile 		I think this is something that is really a case by case basis. I was already in a relationship with Tim before we had sex, so I don't know if that changes stuff, but we intended to wait six weeks. We pretty much made it until the next time we saw each other and it was a good decision. There isn't any sense in waiting any longer for any arbitrary reasons if you're both on the same page and you both want it.
quote / posted 06 July 2011 3:14 PM
moonflower
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Click for profile 		Mr Freeze-- I agree with your analysis, except for the conclusion. what I've learned from the world of dating so far (being mid 20's and single for the first year of my adult life) is that being 'true to myself' and ONLY basing my actions on what feels right to me, etc, is a recipe for not being good at dating. I detest the games and bs you have to go through but based on repeated experiences, not 'playing the game' doesn't work. So it's great to be true to oneself and all that, but it very well might mean sacrificing a lot. (also could me I just date jerks.)

A big part of dating, at least at first, is how you are perceived by the other person, like it or not. Sleeping with someone quickly doesn't necessarily have anything to do with someone being promiscuous or unemotional about sex, but it could easily be perceived to be so by someone who doesn't know you.

That doesn't mean I do things that feel wrong to me. It just means I take it all into account when making decisions. Plus, not having sex is less likely to yield feelings of regret (for whatever reason) than having sex too soon.

Ivan, re. the double standard, all I can say is I'm a pretty independent, well-educated, progressive woman, and even I feel some sort of concern over being seen as a 'slut,' even though I'm well aware that it's not really grounded in reality. But it's coming from somewhere (not my parents, not my value system, as far as I can tell, so what's left? some vague notion of 'society.'), and I really do not think guys have to deal with the same worry.

[This post edited by moonflower on 06 July 2011 ]

quote / posted 06 July 2011 3:16 PM
moonflower
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Click for profile 		I do agree about individual circumstances. My thing is super new so I'll clearly play it by ear. I think this is also about me not wanting to get myself hurt, because I really really like this guy.

[This post edited by moonflower on 06 July 2011 ]

quote / posted 06 July 2011 3:18 PM
Tiresias
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Click for profile 		Meh. Anyone who would think weirdly of you for sleeping with them really soon (when they are doing the exact same thing!!) is not worth your time.
quote / posted 06 July 2011 3:48 PM
Tiresias
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Click for profile 		And yeah, you may not be able to tell quite yet if this guy will be like that, but you'll find out sooner or later whether he's not a jerkbag anyway...
quote / posted 06 July 2011 3:50 PM
Brutal+Unicorn
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Click for profile 		Apparently, you wait until they take you to a baseball game and buy you a hotdog and a pint of warm beer. Relationship desired or not.
quote / posted 06 July 2011 3:54 PM
Brutal+Unicorn
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Click for profile 		But, I agree with a lot of what is said. You could choose an arbitrary amount of time, but that would be pointless. What matters is that you're both on the same page, and yeah, if you want a lasting relationship out of it, it might not hurt to wait a little while.
quote / posted 06 July 2011 3:55 PM
Secrets*Untold
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Click for profile 		If holding off a few extra dates aint gonna kill you what harm can it do?
quote / posted 06 July 2011 3:55 PM
moonflower
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quoting: Tiresias
Why would it be different if you want to have a "legitimate dating relationship" with them?


It's different, for me, because of the mindset I have going into it. If I know from the start it's casual sex, then that's what it is and that sex is fun, and means less (can't say I haven't gotten attached but... I knew what I was getting into, at least).

If it's someone I really like, then sex means something, and so if we're NOT on the same page (as many people have brought up--- and how could you know, at the beginning of dating when it's awkward to have talks about being on the same page yet), and he brushes me off as a night of fun, then I will be hurt. And I've really not had that kind of sex in over 6 years, so it's a big deal I guess.

So actually, this is a completely personal issue and has nothing to do with 'societal pressures' and double standards or anything. Thanks everyone for helping me work through that!

[This post edited by moonflower on 06 July 2011 ]

quote / posted 06 July 2011 4:06 PM
Tiresias
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Click for profile 		Now I want a hot dog!

And ok, what you just wrote all makes sense! In that case it would probably be worth it to wait a while to see how he feels about you overall. Yeah, it's definitely awkward to be sleeping with someone when you feel strongly about them and aren't sure if they reciprocate.
quote / posted 06 July 2011 4:20 PM
smurf19
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Click for profile 		It sounds like you like this guy and are worried that if you sleep with him too soon, it may kibosh things. So it doesn't really matter what standards other people use, if you want to take things slower, because you want to get a sense of the feelings involved, do it (or in this case, don't do it).
quote / posted 06 July 2011 5:27 PM
CaptainPlanet
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Click for profile 		yeah it does change your opinion, we tend to call those kind of girls ho's. It's not fair but its just the way it is. Maybe its me but if i think a girl is the "wifey" type i would definitely want to invade her cooch eventually but not right away. Kills the mysticism of said cooch if you just jump the border like that.

also he could really just be a mugger in disguise so you have to watch out for that
quote / posted 07 July 2011 10:12 PM
CanadianChick
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Click for profile 		I may have a bit of a sex addiction ;)

I have no problems sleeping with someone at any point, whether I want to have a relationship with them or not. It sets the pace for the relationship with me...
quote / posted 08 July 2011 12:06 AM
Tiresias
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Click for profile 		LIZZIE. I am back in Victoria now! Email me at \magicalunicornfairylandwoowoo without the dots in the first bit!
Seriously not saying this because of what you just posted.....

[This post edited by Tiresias on 10 July 2011 ]

quote / posted 08 July 2011 12:10 AM
CanadianChick
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Click for profile 		Haha ... Dude go read the what are you thinking about thread. I'm in nanaimo for now D:
quote / posted 08 July 2011 12:17 AM
MissWartooth
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Click for profile 		I like this discussion. There's nothing that I'd say that hasn't been said really. I talked with my boyfriend on the phone every day for hours and when we eventually met we weren't gonna have sex immediately but neither of us could or wanted to wait. 3.2 years later all is well.
quote / posted 08 July 2011 11:23 PM

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